Episode 2 | Transcription – Not Without My Sister

Rosemary: Hello and welcome back to another episode of…
Beatrice: Not Without My Sister.
Rosemary: I’m Rosemary
Beatrice: I’m Beatrice
R: And we’re sisters! Is that cheesy? I think it’s good cheesy.
B: I think it would be better if we were like, ‘hi! I’m Sage. And I’m Hutton.’
R: Hutton is a good name!
B: But sadly, we’re not. We’re Rosemary and we’re Beatrice because our mother decided to name us…
R: …after elderly women she loved?
B: Well actually she didn’t have elderly women… I mean, I’m sure she had elderly women she loved but she didn’t have elderly women named Beatrice and Rosemary, she just loves Victorian names.
R: That’s nice. [theme music plays]
R: Next time, we should introduce each other.
B: [hesitantly] Okay.
R: Like, she’s Beatrice, and you go, [whispers], she’s Ro–
B: I am Beatrice.
R: Oh.
B: [laughs] I’ll go, ‘she’s Rosemary, but it’s not her fault’.
R: I should change the name of the podcast to, Not About my Sister.
B: Oh. I don’t know, I felt like it was about you last time, because Mum loves you. I had so many people say, sorry Beatrice, it sounds like you really aren’t the favourite. I’m not the favourite either and I never will be and neither will you, so… they really felt the truth in that story.
R: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I got a message saying, ‘you’re both lovely singers but especially whoever went first.’ And that was you.
B: [laughing] Well, I think our mother followed through that same week with two emails, she said, “Just so you both feel special, here’s an email to each one of you.” To me, she wrote, “Personal” in the title. Beatrice, hello, blah blah. To Rosemary she said, “my true love, Rosemary. Dear Rosemary…”
R: She said it in Irish, though, so it sounded a bit less cheesy.
B: Yeah.
R: She didn’t say, “my true love…”
B: And Rosemary asked, “was this the same title that you got?” And I said no. So. That put that to bed.
R: I do love how she writes “pearsanta” on emails, though, as if… I think she was always worried that somebody in the IT department at our workplace was gonna read it.
B: Yeah, I think she mistook it for a fax.
R: Awwww.
B: [laughing]
R: What are we going to talk about today, Beatrice?
B: So today we’re going to talk about the other people you’ve lived with in your life, who are not your parents.
R: Or you.
B: Oh yeah. Or your siblings.
R: Oh well, we can kind of talk about each other. Because basically, how we decided we would talk about this is, on the eve of the end of our time living together, as adults…
B: [sighing] Yeah.
R: Do you consider th– you sound like you’re bored of me already!
B: I’m not bored, I’m sad. I don’t really… I don’t really consider us adults. But yes, we are adults, and Rosemary is moving out to be with her other adult, her male adult who she met here on Tinder on day two, because she was having such a good time with me, she immediately went on Tinder and met loads of other boys…
R: Loads of “other” boys, like you’re a boy!
B: Met this guy. Got on like a house on fire. Met him at Buffalo Wild Wings, right? Very romantic. Went on a couple of dates, really hit it off, brought him back to his house, made him watch Buffy…
R: Oh would you stop! This story started – oh, actually, it started badly because you made it sound like I’d just met him, on the second day I was here, this year, and now we’re moving in together. This was last year, so we’ve been dating for a year.
B: I wasn’t referring to the – I wasn’t actually judging your relationship. I was judging how bored you were with me.
R: Oh. Fair.
B: That you immediately came over… I said, ‘What are we going to do this week?’ And she said, ‘Well, Tuesday I have a Tinder date and Friday I have a Tinder date.’ Okay. Glad you’re here. Glad you’re so excited to see me.
R: [noises of protest] That was – that was I mean I had been here a week, at that point.
B: Right. So Rosemary’s moving out to be with the love of her life. Right? Right?
R: Cue emotional music.
B: Right. And then, so we thought we’d talk about…
R: Violins.
B: And I’ve had some observations that I’ve shared with you, while you’ve been here, on what a great flatmate you are, what a great–
R: Oh, my God. I’m regretting this. I was just about to ask you, do you think I’ve been a good or bad housemate and in my mind I was preparing myself for the, well you don’t really do a lot of cooking.
B: No. That’s your obsession. You don’t do a lot of cooking, but Don does a lot of cooking and I do a lot of cooking and you do a lot of eating of the cooking.
R: I do the laundry!
B: You do a lot of laundry. You’ve been a very good housemate, actually. Genuinely!
R: Full stop! Let’s move on!
B: I think the only thing that I commented on, and you were very offended by – you took serious umbrage – was when I commented that potentially sharing was not your fort, as they say.
R: You have made this comment several times.
B: I’m reminding you!
R: [laughs] I think I’m finding it so grievously offensive because it’s… kind of true?
B: It’s totally true! But the thing is, you’re an extremely generous person, right? That’s why you’ll never be rich. You’re extremely generous. However, there are many occasions when I’ve… gone to see you scoop half the thing of ice-cream. Like, it’s not just one portion, it’s two and a half portions, into your own bowl without every saying, ‘Would anybody else like a scrap of ice-cream before I polish this off?’
R: I would like to point out, and this is very relevant, you have weird ideas about how many portions are in those pints. I’ve watched American movies. People eat a whole pint on their own. MAXIMUM, that tub of Talenti is two-and-a-half portions.
B: After this we will go and read what is a portion on the side of a tub of Talenti.
R: No, no! Nobody listens to them. Sure a portion of cereal is basically a whisper.
B: On the very many Weight Watchers jaunts I have gone on, I have very carefully adhered to the portion size.
R: Which is why you’ve been a more successful Weight Watcher than me, historically.
B: I was about to say that I don’t know that I’ve been very successful at all, but I’ve done Weight Watchers in every country that I’ve lived in, and…
R: But Weight Watchers portions aren’t real life portions!
B: Ah just, whatever. I can’t even. I can’t go on any more diets, I’m bored. But anyway! Back to, em, people that you live with. I thought your question today was a good one: have we been good housemates? Because we’re very quick to, like, criticise other people. Are we good housemates? You are a good housemate.
R: Well, I wrote a piece recently about a few different people I’ve lived with and the ways in which they’ve been… odd, or difficult to live with, and then at the end of it I was like, I’m sure at least one, if not all of them, have at some point, texted their friend and gone, “oh God, Rosemary’s doing this gain’s he’s such a headwrecker,” you know what I mean?
B: Definitely.
R: But I can’t think what it could be…
B: I’m sure Clare has said that! Oh, I’ll tell you. Rosemary will never make herself a cup of tea. Rosemary always wants me to make her a cup of tea. [laughs] That’s what my flatmate would complain about me, but like… I think we’ve followed that one back to the source, right? And that’s our family. Everyone’s like, “oh you’re on your feet? Will you make us a cup of tea? Chobble on the kettle.”
R: Oh no, no, no, no. It’s practically like, “you’re on your feet, would you make me a mushroom risotto?”
B: [laughing]
R: Like, nobody cares – there’s no limit to what you could be asked to do while you were on your feet.
B: But it also means there’s no limit to the asking.
R: There’s no limit to the asking… and there’s also no limit to what you have to do.
B: I have to say, I mean, poor Don never asks me for anything. Ever. And the minute… I will sit in the chair and I’ll be like, God I’d love a cup of tea, and I’ll think to myself, does Don look like he’s maybe making a move in the next hour and a half, and I’ll sit there, parched…
R: But, you know what? By that same token, at Christmas time, I will frequently find myself, in the sitting room with you and Mum and Dad and be bursting for the loo, but literally be like, I’m not getting up – because you know the first person to get up… and it’s always something different. ‘I’ll have a cup of tea.’ ‘I’ll have a coffee.’ ‘I’ll have a Baileys with one cube of ice.’ And you’re like, for God’s sake!
B: But you know what, it’s also… it’s my love language, right? My love language is what I appreciate the most, if somebody makes me a cup of tea, it’s the nicest…
R: Acts of service.
B: Yeah, I know. That’s really bad, right? It’s like the royal family.
R: Mmm, no. I mean, I think acts of service is kind of my love language for other people.
B: I mean, I don’t know. [laughing] I also like hugs. And I like gifts. So… I’m not sure what the fourth one is but I think I pretty much…
R: Physical touch.
B: I like that.
R: Gifts.
B: I love them.
R: Acts of service.
B: I love that.
R: Words of affirmation.
B: Oh God.
R: You love them!
B: Oh God I love them! I’m an absolute sucker for flattery. Total distraction. Literally, that is the way… I mean, I’m telling you, in the office, people know that is how to get what they want. We’re having a heated discussion about something, like, “No you can’t do this” and then, “You look great today!” I’m like, “Do I?! Do I really?” Literally, 10 minutes later I’m like, God I was in the middle of a different conversation that I can’t remember because that bit of flattery really gets me. It just does.
R: It’s like that book I read last week, Laura Jane Williams’ Our Stop, which I would highly recommend by the way. And there’s a line in it where she’s trying to get gossip out of her friend, and then her friend starts talking about work and she’s like, “ugh she knows I’m a tart for my work.”
B: Oh yeah! That’s the one that you compared me to!
R: Yeah, cos you’re always saying this! Not about work but about flattery.
B: I am. I am a tart for flattery. I can’t help it!
R: How many housemates have you had? Can you remember?
B: No I was actually… Earlier on when you had this thought, I was like, that’s not gonna be interesting because it’s gonna be all about you, so let me quickly tot them up. You tell me how many you’ve had while I tot them up.
R: Well I’m trying to think how many men… how many partners have I lived with?
B: And then, could we also erase the word “tot” from everybody’s memory of me? [laughing] Tot them up! I don’t think I’ve ever said that before.
R: I’ve never heard or seen you tot anything – but there she is, totting away. Tot tot! I have lived with two boyfriends previously, and then I’ve lived with… I’m trying to think of how many strangers have I lived with, people I didn’t know before I moved in with them.
B: Well you’ve lived with Clare, right? So, like, you can’t say anything bad about her.
R: No. And I wouldn’t! I’ve nothing bad to say about her.
B: Of course not. You lived with your boyfriends. So that’s three people. You lived with that other person who was…
R: I’ve lived with several people who had odd behaviours.
B: Yeah. How many of them?
R: Hmmm. One in college, and then two as an adult.
B: Who did you live with in college? I mean, where did you live with someone in college?
R: So I… because I went to college in Galway. So I lived on campus the first year with three girls, and actually that was mad because there were four of us in the apartment and then one of them moved her cousin in after about three months. The cousin never paid rent, never paid anything towards any of the bills, and slept in yer one’s bed with her. For literally six months. It was bizarre.
B: Did you say anything?
R: No. I mean… I was 18 or 19, so I just was like, oh God I wish I could say something. Now, I would.
B: But you all got on well, didn’t you?
R: Yeah. I mean, we all got on grand. There were things, like, one of the girls, in hindsight I think had a bit of an eating disorder and used to cook really, really late at night. My room was on the ground floor. It was a duplex apartment and there was a bedroom off the kitchen and there were two bedrooms or three bedrooms – two bedrooms, because two of them shared a room, which was also, I would’ve hated and they didn’t know each other beforehand. But one of the girls used to cook really, really late at night, right next to my bedroom, and also used to skip all the time, in her room, so you’d just hear this – [makes banging noises] – upstairs, which was very odd. I remember, the first time it happened, I thought she’d brought a guy home and was having sex with him, and I thought, it’s way too rhythmic. And then I realised it was skipping.
B: That’s not unusual, Rosemary.
R: Rhythmic sex?
B: Just… Moving on. That reminds me of when I lived in Milan and I had lots of different flatmates in various different apartments. This particular one was my most – it was probably where I learned Italian, because everyone else I lived with was not Italian. This was two Italian girls and a guy from South America, and his Italian was excellent. He was actually dating one of the girls. It got a bit uncomfortable because they were always breaking up and getting back together. These guys never, ever, ever, ever cleaned a thing. Ever. So I was always cleaning… I remember at one point, I went into the kitchen to cook something and I took down a bag of flour and it was full, like it was crawling, with weevils. And I literally nearly threw up on the spot. I was constantly cleaning this place.
R: Revolting.
B: It was revolting. Absolutely revolting.
R: I lived with someone for a while who had a cat… and I remember at one stage, the kitty litter just began to stink. I suspect it was at the point of the relationship that things had started to disintegrate anyway, so I think at that stage we were communicating exclusively via email. We weren’t really speaking or texting or anything…
B: [incredulously] What?!
R: So we were just emailing each other. And I had emailed saying, you really need to change the kitty litter. And they were like, oh yeah I will, whatever. Then a couple of days later, I got home, still no kitty litter changed, and I went to pick up this… it was a cushion but it was a dog bed that I’d bought for my dog and it actually was way too small for her, so the cat I thought was using it to sleep on, and I went to move it, and I picked it up and it was literally soaked through with wee. The cat had obviously been using it as her wee cushion, which is very glamorous in a way! ‘Oh, my owner has provided this glamorous wee cushion!’
B: So. Gross.
R: It was so disgusting… It was literally… It wasn’t like you’d pick it up and you’d go, is this wet. I picked it up and it dripped. It was soaked through. It was so disgusting. But it is moments like that, that make you go, I’m glad I’m only renting this house, because this wee-soaked cushion has been sitting on the solid wood floor for weeks.
B: [laughs]
R: I’m glad this is not my home that I need to worry about.
B: I mean I’d actually recommend to anyone who’s thinking of buying a house: don’t. Just rent. They are just so annoying – everything’s always breaking.
R: Yeah. That is one of the things of adulthood… that I always loved when I was renting and something would break, and you’d just get to email the landlord and go, can I just call a plumber and take it out of my rent?
B: It’s a very millennial thing, apparently, I read an article this week that talked about how adulting – complaining about adulting is very millennial behaviour so, you’re not very cool, Rosemary, you’d want to watch it.
R: You’re just jealous cos you’re not a millennial, granny.
B: I’m a Xennial! It’s actually a thing. I’m not really gen X because I don’t really care about Ethan Hawke.
R: I’d say you do care about Ethan Hawke!
B: I do not. Are you joking?
R: He’s very weird teeth, doesn’t he?
B: I mean, I’m not judgmental like that, Rosemary. It’s not really my thing.
R: Oh PLEASE! I’m not really judgmental like that! Please! Earlier on, we were talking about what we were going to talk…
B: Sssh!
R: …and you were giving out about someone, like, ‘I suppose I’m not allowed to say that.’
B: Quiet! Don’t be betraying me.
R: Sorry.
B: I’m trying to think who I actually ever lived with. I lived with people while I was in college, as well, and I think they probably did complain about me, because they were all constantly just smoking and having friends over and it was a total bomb site. And I was always… the common thread here is that I was always trying to tidy up. Until I moved in with Julie and she was the best housemate ever. She was always cleaning.
R: Was she?!
B: Yes! Oh my God. Every Saturday morning, it was so headwrecking. Before she organised our 24 hours of whatever we were going to do, and gave me my itinerary for the day, which I hate, by the way, and she knows I hate it.
R: Maybe that’s why you hate plans!
B: No… I mean, I used to say to her, don’t tell me what we’re going to do. I’m going to be glued to your side…
R: Oh, just like bring you along?
B: Just bring me along and surprise me. Oh! It’s lunch and there’s Xavier! I’d be like, oh great! But when she used to say, in the morning, tomorrow let’s get up, let’s have breakfast, let’s go and have a croissant, then let’s go here, let’s go shopping, let’s have lunch with these guys, then let’s go there and then let’s have a burger. And I’d be like, ugh, I don’t want to do any of that! I want to wake up and feel like a free spirit. Even though what I really wanted was… like, it was great! She organised all the best things.
R: I mean, yes! You totally want someone to bring you for delicious croissants and you totally want to see your friends and you totally want to go to this nice market.
B: Yes.
R: I feel Julie’s pain, because sometimes I’ll say to you, ‘You know what we should do on Saturday…’ and it’ll just be two things, but once I get past the first thing… You already start grimacing. Then the second thing you’re like, ‘oh no no no just stop.’
B: I don’t like to think it’s suddenly going to be Monday again. I like to feel like, who knows! What surprising thing could happen. I don’t want to know, like, it’s all planned.
R: What surprising things could happen! You’d swear you were footloose and fancy-free living in Manhattan!
B: Well, I was!
R: But you’re not now!
B: No, I’m not. What surprising things could happen? Someone might come over and accidentally mind the kids.
R: [laughs] We might find ourselves… in the house changing nappies. Again.
B: Oh, God. So. No. Anyway. So every Saturday morning, we would wake up and she would set us to a two-hour cleanathon and while I thought it was super boring I also appreciated it because then the house was so clean and so nice. And then we moved up in the world, and in Paris we used to have a cleaner who used to come and clean for us once a week.
R: Oh, so nice.
B: We loved… We loved him! Frank! He was the best.
R: There’s honestly nothing nicer than having a cleaner. Frank! That’s a cute name.
B: He was the best.
R: I was gonna ask you if you ever had any big fights with your housemates, but now it just occurred to me that you need to tell everybody about the time you had the fight with Julie and then started, like, Coyote Ugly-ing your room.
B: [laughing] Oh Jesus Christ I forgot about this! Oh this was so embarrassing. She’s probably going to want to tell it! Oh, you’ll have to tell it!
R: I wasn’t even there!
B: I was drunk! Well… Okay. So I had a keyboard, right? [laughs] that had been given to me when I left Ireland because my Mum and Dad definitely feel that I have more piano skills than I actually have. They thought, she’s really gonna miss this piano, she’s gonna miss tinkling those ivories, so we’re gonna give her a keyboard.
R: Sorry, something dodgy happened in our piano lessons, because I got to grade 7 and can still only play Coldplay and one James Blunt song.
B: [laughing]
R: How did I have all these piano lessons?
B: No, you were actually good! And Mum’s convinced you’re like a hidden jazz pianist, because once you played some jazz and I think somebody in… wherever, Westmoreland St, was like, she’s got some really good jazz rhythm, and Mum’s like, definitely a jazz pianist there. You just didn’t tap into it. Anyway so I had the keyboard, and it was in my bedroom.
R: And headphones.
B: Thank you Rosemary. And headphones. Because obviously I was trying to be sensitive to my neighbours and flatmate, right? So we had a massive row, right? And I was just full of emotion, which I needed to express, some way. So I went down to my room, put on the headphones…
R: So hang on. Did you have a massive row on a night out?
B: Oh it was literally 3am.
R: So you were both pissed…
B: I mean, I’d like to say I was a bit tipsy. I’m sure I was absolutely hammered. Hammered, right? Like the two of us had a screaming row. It was 3am, so I went down to my room… And I… Unlike you, I had a repertoire of Beatles songs. Very simple chords. [laughing] And so I went down and I sat down…
R: What song was it?!
B: I had, er, Let it Be…
R: Oh my God, I hope it was Let it Be.
B: It was all of them! I went through the whole book. I played for about two hours. I also had Lady Madonna, right, I was actually pretty good at that. And what was the other one that I liked? Blackbird singing in the dead of night. That was probably my party piece, in private. So I sat down on my tiny bench and started playing this extremely angsty, not exactly 100% correct Beatles music… And I was thinking to myself, you know, I was really just, I think, getting over the angst of this terrible row with my best friend. So I got up the next morning and Julie was looking super smug. She’s like, ‘Morning, did you sleep well?’
R: [laughing]
B: I’m like, yeah. She’s like, ‘Did you go to bed after our row last night?’ I’m like, well, you know, I went into my room. She’s like, ‘Oh did you? Did you play any music?’ I’m like, oh! Yeah, how did you know? She goes, ‘Well, cos I heard you. I heard you for four hours, playing the Beatles.’ She goes, ‘You maybe need a bit more practice.’ And I’m like, oh my God, I don’t even know how you could have heard that, I had my headphones on. I go back in, the headphones we’re not remotely plugged in. I’d been sitting there for four hours with these headphones and a dangling cord. [laughing] Poor neighbours! So embarrassing.
R: Oh my God, the neighbours! I hadn’t even thought about them. I was just thinking about poor Julie.
B: [scoffing] Poor me! It’s so embarrassing!
R: I mean, I don’t know… If I was Julie, I think I would’ve thought you were doing it to be passive-aggressive.
B: [sighing] I’d like to think that she thought it was beautiful, okay? It wasn’t supposed to be a punishment. It was very stress-relieving.
R: I’m sure she thinks fondly about those times.
B: I’m trying to think, who else did I ever live with… Who else did you live with? Didn’t you live with somebody who – a man, at one point
R: A man!
B: …who was supposed to make you a birthday cake, at some point?
R: Oh, Mum’s obsessed with this story.
B: I know, that’s why I remember it.
R: Yeah, I lived with a guy… But I mean, I didn’t think it was that big a deal. I lived with a guy who was really, really good at baking, and basically for my 30th birthday he was like, ‘I’ll make you a cake – I’ll make you a croque en bouche’, because I love profiteroles… Love a profiterole, I do!
B: [chuckling]
R: –and Mum was very excited about this because she loves…
B: This is why yourself and Brandin are gonna get on so well!
R: Yeah! He also loves baking, and he loves a profiterole!
B: He loves profiteroles, doesn’t he? Didn’t he have to go to the emergency room recently due to profiteroles?
R: Beatrice! Beatrice, I am trying to turn a new leaf and not say embarrassing things about my partners on… podcast or radio.
B: I’m sorry, but this is too good. This is too good.
R: Brandin–
B: –ate so many profiteroles that he needed to cart himself off…
R: He ate an entire bag of mini profiteroles that had been frozen and then… I’m not even sure if they had been defrosted or if he just got very enthusiastic and ate them out of the freezer.
B: [more chuckles]
R: He says… At the time he said there were 16 and now he’s revising it and says there were way more than 16.
B: [still laughing]
R: And he then… got terrible stomach cramps…
B: …didn’t connect the two…
R: …curled up in a ball on the floor and called his Mom.
B: awwww that’s nice
R: And she came and took him to the emergency room.
B: That’s nice!
R: I know, that’s nice. And she came and they had a very bonding 10 hours waiting to be seen.
B: And basically it was the profiteroles.
R: [high-pitched] Well… He claims that they just didn’t know what it was. He’s like, could’ve been anything.
B: [sceptical] Okay.
R: But it wasn’t an ulcer, which is what he thought it was.
B: Okay, so back to your profiterole and your croque en bouche.
R: So, okay, yeah but the croque en bouche never materialised. I think maybe on the day he was hungover or he was… something he just didn’t, he wasn’t arsed doing it. He was the same housemate that we were then communicating via email. I think this was before we fell out…
B: Oh. I was actually gonna ask how you ended up talking via email with someone…
R: But things might have been disintegrating at this stage, and he basically just didn’t make the thing, and was like, I’m really sorry, I got caught up with whatever… And I didn’t mind. I was like, oh whatever. I was busy stressing about this party and whether people were gonna come and what I was gonna wear and… Actually I’d be a bit like you in terms of party planning. I mean, I don’t know. I hate a surprise party as well. I was gonna say, I’d like people to surprise me – but I’d just like… I’d like… I’d like to wake up…
B: I’d love a surprise party. Would I?!
R: I’d like to fall into a coma for a month before my birthday and then wake up on the day of my birthday and for the party to be all planned, but, like not a surprise. But still I don’t have to do all the planning and I don’t have to be stressed about it for weeks beforehand. I just get very worried.
B: So. Let me just get this straight. You’d like to fall into a coma and in some way be informed about what’s happening outside of the coma and then wake up and not have any muscle wasting and be ready to go to this party.
R: Yeah!
B: Sounds great.
R: A short coma. Maybe a two-week coma. Anyway, how did we get… How did we… You know what, I’ve ended up communicating via email with a lot of my housemates. Maybe I’m the common denominator.
B: I’m trying to think about any bad relationships I’ve had with any housemates, and I don’t think I’ve had any, although I’m sure now, anybody who’s listening to this will be like, I hated you.
R: Did you never have any big scraps with any of your housemates?
B: I’m trying to think, like, who was a housemate, apart from Julie?
R: What about the Italians? You have to have had a scrap with a nice continental woman.
B: I don’t know that I had a scrap, but definitely there was some suspicion about yer woman, the girlfriend of the South American guy, because she was Italian and she was very much your idea of… She was the Monica Belluci of the apartment. Very glamorous, very… It was a very weird background. She was allegedly a millionaire.
R: Sorry, I love how you say she was the Monica Belluci of the apartment like every apartment has one.
B: I mean, in Italy! She was Italian, we were in Italy! But if you can imagine, everyone else was super normal, including me, and she was the Monica Belluci of the apartment, and she… Where everybody else, we all had a bedroom, right. There was a kitchen, a bathroom and everybody else had a bedroom. And then we had a balcony. But her bedroom was more, like, her bedroom was three times the size of everybody else’s … a suite. It was more like a suite, do you know what I mean? There was a corner with the sofa and the living area and a bedroom with a big four-poster bed, full of velvet cushions… It was very seductive, except it wasn’t very clean.
R: Ugh. Do you think, in hindsight, her bedroom was meant to be the living area? In the design of the apartment?
B: Oh, I’m sure it was, yeah. So she was the one who’d gotten the apartment, so she had that. She was very… It was more like, she was very odd. She allegedly came from a very wealthy family and her family loved her but she couldn’t go home to them because she was trying to strike out by herself. She was constantly getting fired from her jobs, it was all very odd. She was constantly getting…
R: What did she do?
B: I don’t know… I think she was a secretary or… real estate. She worked in real estate. And then she would bring these guys home, and they were always members of the police force, la polizia. She would bring them home in the middle of the night, never before 11 o’clock. Yer man, meanwhile, was the on/off boyfriend, and he would be very sedately and patiently waiting for her in the kitchen while these polizia were in her bedroom. It was very odd, right, because they were sharing a bedroom, and then…
R: Oh!
B: And then when she brought these guys home he would be not sharing the bedroom. It was really weird, and there was no other room for him to sleep in, so he would be kind of hanging out in the kitchen while she was in there all night long with these guys.
R: Okay, so she was definitely a sex worker.
B: I mean… I didn’t really think she was, at the time. And even Mum came and stayed, multiple times, and laid… She would lie beside me and I’d go, night Mum and she’d go, night pet, night pet, and then she’d go, oh! Have you read this book – this book I see here on your bookshelf, have you read this? Everyone keeps telling me it’s a great book, have you read it? And I’d go, oh my God, yeah I’ve read it, it’s really good, I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow, let’s go to bed. [whispering] Okay, goodnight. Goodnight, pet. Oh! Have you read that book? Oh I see you’ve got a great CD up there that I’ve been dying to listen to. Oh! What’s going on, do I hear the door? Who’s that coming in at this hour of the night? So we were always awake… especially when Mum was there. But I think Mum would have realised. We didn’t really think she was a sex worker as much as she had some weird relationships. It was more like she was a… Sorry now, this is where I’m gonna be… What was it you said you should be the other day, I should get one of those…eh, sugar daddies, what’s it called?
R: A sugar baby.
B: A sugar baby. It was more like she was a sugar baby than anything else.
R: Ah no but I feel like if you’re a sugar baby, you have one sugar daddy.
B: Oh yeah. These were only three guys in rotation, would come and go. And so she would… It was really weird as well because when I think about it now, these were members of the police. And I mean I went out and I met them at bars, at various points, with her, so it wasn’t like top secret but it was weird because she had this other boyfriend, you know? And it was also weird because they blatantly committed minor crimes with her. At one point, she clipped her wing mirror and it was broken, and she was walking around the house in a rage – and one of the guys came in late at night, and he said, come on, get on, and she put on her dark cap and her dark puffy jacket and they all got dressed up in all their dark clothing and they went out scouring the streets of Milan searching for a suitable wing mirror to steal off another car. And they came back with it and they were delighted! It was all very odd.
R: Defund the police, is what I say!
B: Well for all I know they weren’t even policemen, you know? I mean, they presented themselves as such.
R: Good point! Maybe they worked in, like, Magic Mike’s in Milan! And they had police uniforms.
B: [laughing]
R: That’d be good, wouldn’t it?
B: Oh, God. They could’ve been anybody, really. It reminds me of the time Dad was over here – not that he’s a Magic Mike at all, right, sorry, that’s not the connection.
R: That was a dangerous, disturbing segue.
B: And you know Dad has… When he was young, Dad raced rally cars. So he definitely fancies himself as a speed demon on the road, right?
R: How long do you think he raced cars for?
B: Oh, a very long time, he’s very professional. [whispering] Not long.
R: Yeah.
B: So his imp that he renovated with a friend… He’s got a photo somewhere…
R: Every time I think about this, and him racing rally cars, I just think of that scene in Grease where they’re all singing Greased Lightnin’, running around polishing the bumper with their black jeans…
B: Polishing the bumper! Really, did you need to use that in relation to Dad. Please! [laughing] Anyway…
R: Shining the exhaust pipe!
B: That’s enough. Dad and Mum were over here and Dad kept… the kids, of course… So, you know when you have – I mean, you don’t know. But I have kids, right, so once you have kids… You know when you have the kids in the car, you’re very conscious…
R: Oh my God! You don’t know.
B: No, you know when you have the kids in the car, you’re very conscious, a, of the responsibility of having them in the car, and b…
R: Well apparently I’m not conscious enough as I’ve been told loads of times.
B: Well I was about to say b, they’re very pass remarkable.
R: Oh my God, head wreckers.
B: And they make all sorts of comments when you’re driving. So they came back anyway, they went out with Mum and Dad and they came back…
R: Oh my God, sorry, just before you talk about Dad, speaking of kids in the car, I just want to point out the fact that your nine-year-old, one day, there was a guy who’d cut us off and we were both in the front giving out about him and Nash went, “I just gave him the finger, is that bad?”
B: [laughing]
R: Out the back window! Ha ha
B: I shouldn’t laugh. That’s a disgrace! Who would’ve taught him that!
R: Where did he get it from.
B: Exactly! Anyway, so they come back and Dad’s like, your kids are ridiculous. They’re constantly criticising my driving. And the kids are like, ‘Grandpa’s a really dangerous driver, he drives too close to the other cars’, and Dad goes, ‘my instructor, when I was rally driving, used to say, two sheets of paint, there should be two sheets of paint between you and the next car, right?’ So fast forward about two weeks of this holiday…
R: [laughing]
B: Mum and Dad go out again, they come back in. Mum comes in looking super smug and delighted. Silence. Dad says nothing. Mum says: “Philip? Something you’d like to say to Beatrice?” He goes, “Eh… Yeah, sorry about this” and he produces the wing mirror, right, that he has clipped off a mailbox. He was obviously one sheet between himself and the mailbox.
R: Thank God he didn’t clip it off another car, though.
B: I mean, did I care? It didn’t get fixed. It’s still clipped off.
R: I know, I just mean from the point of view of the nightmare confrontation that would have ensued. I can’t imagine…
B: Oh, I suppose. Stupid eject.
R: Dad’d be like, “oh I’m sorry I just thought it was two sheets of paint.” Imagine! [laughing]
B: Oh my God.
R: Speaking of passive aggressive housemate emails, I did live with someone for a while. We lived in this early 20th century, maybe late 19th century house in Dublin, that had really… Oh God. Stop. Stop! I’m looking at you! I’m not doing my presenter voice!
B: I just want some eye contact! You are! You’re like, “Speaking of…” Give me some eye contact!
R: This is not the symbol for eye contact! This is the symbol for eye gouging! You’re looking very violent over there!
B: [laughing] You weren’t paying any attention!
R: You literally look like you’re going to poke my eyes out! Or poke your own eyes out!
B: [laughing] I’d say I do actually!
R: Yeah! Anyway, I lived with someone in this really old house that basically had no ventilation, right? So every morning when I went in to have a shower in the teeny, tiny bathroom that had an electric shower put in, I would open the window as wide as it would go, because I’d think, I need to air out the bathroom. And this person I lived with used to come in after me and SLAM the window – would walk in and slam the window shut. And granted, it might have been cold, it might have been October or November, but like, you turn on the hot shower and you’re grand! You get a bit of fresh air! And then one day, I was at work and I got an email saying, hi Rosemary, I think from now… I could probably actually find the email in my inbox. Something like, I would really like it if you would only open the windows when I am not in the house. And I was like, that’s not going to happen. We live in a really old house. And that is a bit of the Mum in me that the house needs to be aired – but it fucking does need to be aired. We live in a really old house. When we’re cooking, having a shower… even if, you know, the kettle’s been on three or four times and it’s a bit steamy, I’d be opening a window. It was just one of those really bizarre things where, oh, we’re communicating via email now. Even though… this was the housemate I found really hard to live with because they never went anywhere. And, like, I like to not go anywhere, so I like to have the house to myself!
B: [laughing]
R: And I would come home from work and be like, ugh they’re gonna be here again! I really just want to have the house to myself for a while so I can make tea and potter around and watch terrible TV or whatever! And I think also, when we first started living together, this person, I think the two of us really thought we were going to be friends which, judging by the window-closing email and other things, we obviously weren’t. So I used to come in and there would immediately be these big chats. What did you do today? What happened here, what happened there, and I’d be like [sighing] I don’t want to talk, I just want to be on my own.
B: Do you think, though, if you think about something like closing a window or whatever, do you think that’s actually what they’re annoyed about? Because I feel like, are you actually, seriously going to argue with somebody about that or are there other things you’re just not addressing? Because to your point, if you thought you were going to be really great friends with someone, are they really the things… Like, what actually is annoying about a flatmate, you know? Is that… Why do people get on each other’s nerves when they’re living together like that? You reminded me, just there, of a housemate that I had. It was kind of an unusual situation, but we don’t need to go into all of that. But at one point, she was away for the weekend and I had some friends over and I moved all the furniture around. And when she came back, it literally tipped her over the edge. Now, it was her lease, and I had moved in with her.
R: Okay. But, like, moving furniture… You didn’t paint it. You didn’t…
B: No, I didn’t do anything! But I moved the furniture. And it literally tipped her over the edge and she was raging. I mean, RAGING. Shaking with rage, talking to me. And she then went out and – we had a massive row, you know, I was like, you’re being insane. And I actually think there was maybe other stuff going on that wasn’t about me. And she went out to a bar and she came back with this guy who I’d never seen or heard of, and she was like, you need to get out of the apartment because this guy is here to get you out of the apartment. And I was like, ‘What? I live in this apartment with you!’ And she was like, ‘Well he’s here to get you out. You don’t live here any more.’
R: And did she know him before this?
B: No, no – she went out to some bar…
R: Just found a random guy, just like, do me a favour…
B: Yeah, some random toughie.
R: Toughie!
B: Yeah! And I remember… Between tot and that now, I’ll never live this down!
R: A random toughie!
B: Yeah, and I think you said someone said I had a very posh accent, so now I’m really not doing myself any favours. Or was that you, Rosemary, are you the posh one? Cos you sound really posh earlier on when you were doing presenter’s voice. Anyway, so I was standing in the hall…
R: That silence is my rage, by the way. When I go silent it’s because I’m seeing serious red mist, I’m like, I can’t say anything I’m in a rage.
B: I’d come back – I can’t remember. I was out at a bar myself, if you can believe it.
R: I can’t!
B: I know, right. And she was there with Toughie.
R: Toughie!
B: And she goes, ‘Toughie’s here to get you out. Pack your bags.’ And this guy was like super skinny and I’m like, what the hell? I was like, you can’t… I’m not going anywhere! And he turns around and he goes, ‘You’re leaving. And you’re laving now.’ And he gave me a kick on the shin, right! I’ll never forget it!
R: A kick on the shin! Of all the feeble moves to make!
B: I know!
R: But that’d be really sore!
B: It was so beyond terrifying.
R: So shocking!
B: That’s exactly it! In hindsight I go, he literally gave me the most pathetic kick on the shin…
R: Still! Unexpected violence!
B: The fact that he raised his leg to have contact with me in any way…
R: Raised his leg! Now I’m imagining him kicking you like in karate, like a sideways…
B: He was so skinny… He was super skinny and really weedy! I would never have accused him of it. And he just… He just… He didn’t say anything, his face didn’t change, he just gave me a kick on the shin.
R: It just goes to show, you can never judge a toughie by his cover.
B: I was just like, that’s it! I’m calling the police! Packed my bag and left, and moved in with a friend of mine who lived around the corner.
R: So you did leave?!
B: I had to leave! Yer man was about to beat me black and blue I think!
R: Did you call the police?
B: No, of course I didn’t!
R: I feel like the two of you were just going to have a school, like…
B: Except for this dude in between us, who was like the hired help!
R: No, I mean you and him. Because the one fight that I… Well, I had a physical fight in school because I’m very classless. The one physical fight I ever had in school was a kick to the shin, and some hair-pulling.
B: Oh my God, I have never had a fight in my life!
R: That’s a fight! You just didn’t fight back!
B: I remember once, my very good friend and I, in Donegal, aged about seven or… no maybe we were probably about 11. I’m always like, we were 11! It’s like, you were 25. She threw a shoe across the room at me and I remember being absolutely, like, horrified! Like, this was a level of violence that had never crossed my mind! So I immediately picked up a shoe and threw it back at her!
R: Did you?!
B: Of course!
R: No, I had a physical fight with a girl at school when… What happened… I was probably like 14 or something, and I ran over and gave her a push. No, no, no, but we were friends. We were kind of friend-ly.
B: Not really, obviously.
R: I went over and gave her a push, messing, you know what I mean? She didn’t fall over, I just gave her a push, kind of doing a knick knack and then I ran away as if it wasn’t me. She obviously saw it was me, ran back over, whacked me, then I fell over and saw absolute red mist, like, oh my god, I am mortified, she’s pushed me over, and then I attacked her.
B: Have you met yourself? Did you think that you were really dainty? Like, I hit her and then I ran away and thought she wouldn’t see me.
R: I hit her and then, like Sonic the Hedgehog, I zoomed away.
B: [laughing]
R: Anyway then, yeah, she knocked me over, then I got absolutely livid… Went over, grabbed her hair…
B: What age were you?
R: Like, 14 I think!
B: What?! Absolute kn*ckers…
R: Grabbed her hair, started slapping each other’s faces, gave her an almighty kick to the shin and then we got broken up. And it was, like, when we were in school so…
B: You gave… I thought you got the kick! You gave her the kick!
R: Oh, I gave her the kick. And I thought, for weeks afterwards, like, I won because I gave her the kick.
B: You absolute….
R: I won that scrap! We used to love a scrap at school!
B: Trashbag!
R: Do you not remember that? That immediately we’d be like, SCRAP!
B: No! No. That was not my experience.
R: We went to the same school!
B: I am afraid of physical contact. I’m terrified of violence.
R: You were probably inside practising your piano while I’m outside going, “Where’s the scrap?”
B: You have seen, the minute you go at me with the nipple cripple, I just crumple to the floor in absolute terror….
R: Beatrice! Beatrice, this is a sMothered-style overshare!
B: [unable to talk, laughing]
R: I would like it stated for the record that I have never touched my sister’s nipple.
B: Absolute lies!!!! But also, I’m actually… can’t even speak I’m so outraged here. Blatant lies! But also, it’s through the clothes, just in case, Rosemary you’re making it sound weirder than it is!
R: You’re making it sound weird! When you nipple cripple me… You’re in your forties! I’m in my thirties! We’re adult women! We’re not supposed to be talking on our podcast about how we nipple cripple each other.
B: Excuse me! You nipple cripple me. I would like to say I had never experienced a nipple cripple before this visit. I was absolutely – this is the whole point! I froze. Like a rabbit in the headlights! It’s always at the jigsaw, just to put it in context…
R: No, no, no. No no no. The very first time I ever nipple crippled you was on the couch. This – you know what?
B: I nearly wet myself and passed out all at once.
R: You were being really annoying. You were doing or saying something really annoying, in a way that you were, literally, you just wouldn’t stop. I can’t even remember what it was…
B: I didn’t even know that this was a thing!
R: Nipple cripples?!
B: Yes!
R: But I’m just explaining why it happened, right? You were being really irritating.
B: There’s no excuse for violence, Rosemary.
R: UGH! And you were going on and on in the way that only a sister, where you’re like, SHUT UP. And you were going, ‘I’m just saying, blah blah blah.’
B: This seems like victim blaming.
R: But you know what this has made me think? That, in a way, if you could nipple cripple your housemates, because you were annoyed that they opened the window, you might actually get on better in the long run… Because you don’t have that… not nipple cripple really, but you don’t have that familiarity to say, you’re wrecking my head. Stop doing this.
B: No! No. Oh my God. I would like to say that I don’t think nipple crippling has brought us closer.
R: No, but what I mean is, if I hadn’t got to take my anger out in that moment of physical violence, I might be emailing you passive aggressive emails about your behaviour in your own home now.
B: I wish people could see these hand gestures! The definitive, pointing hand gestures! You’re wrong!
R: No! I’m doing the pinching, the pinching of the nipples!
B: I’m doing the pinching too! My whole point was, when you did that to me, there was no retaliation, I just flopped backwards, nearly passed out and almost wet myself…
R: There was no retaliation!?? Excuse me!
B: The second time there was retaliation because I was prepared! I didn’t even know what was happening to me!
R: Excuse me, the first time, you were so shocked, you were acting like I’d just torn your fingernail off with a tweezers, you were like, ‘It’s SO SORE’ and approximately ten minutes later, when we all just had moved on, the moment had passed, you absolutely leapt on me but didn’t succeed in nipple crippling me, so then Don walked in when the two of us were basically in some kind of weird sumo wrestling move, on top of each other on the couch, and we were both in these kinds of fits of giggles, trying not to wet ourselves, your hand was nowhere near my nipple and you were trying to get this revenge!
B: Which I have yet to get and you only have two days left so just be…
R: Pathetic! And also, my nipples are massive so it’s not like you’ve got a small target to aim for!
B: [laughing] Oh my God, TMI! It’s the fact that they’re not level makes it hard to really know…
R: You fucking bitch!!! Nobody’s nipples are level! Asymetry is very in!
B: [laughing more]
R: You absolute weapon! I loved how we started off this, oh we’re getting on so well and now suddenly I want to murder you. You know though, speaking of not level nipples, I was in my house one day and wearing a very soft bra and my ex boyfriend at the time was like, what’s that in your top? And it was basically my nipple and he thought it was something stuck to my jumper. He actually tried to pull it off. Oh no no! Actually what happened was I said, that’s my nipple – and he said, no, it’s too low down.
B: [barely able to breathe for the laughter] That’s so bad.
R: Just like the time my…
B: Listen, what do boys know?
R: Well that’s true. Just like the time my other ex-boyfriend, in the car, went, ‘oh you have a dog hair on your face’, cos my dog’s very hairy and her hairs get everywhere. It was not a dog hair. It was my hair and it was attached to my fucking chin. But it was really long and black.
B: Oh, God. Rosemary, that’s what makes you unique.
R: Outrage.
B: That’s what makes you unique.
R: Why, cos I’ll happily talk about my uneven nipples on the radio?
B: No, that you have them.
R: You are… This is… I’ve had enough now. I actually lived with another girl in college who I’m pretty sure had an eating disorder because she would only buy super healthy – and like, healthy in the early noughts, she would only basically buy vegetables and rice.
B: Rosemary, I hate to break it to you. Maybe this isn’t an eating disorder. Maybe this is normal eating.
R: [exasperatedly] We’re getting to the disordered part.
B: Oh. Oh right, okay.
R: And I obviously would not buy healthy food, so I would have a box of Frosties, because I’m 10 years old. I hadn’t discovered Frosted Wheats at that stage.
B: Well, exactly.
R: And I remember… basically I bought this box of Frosties on a Thursday. On a Friday evening the entire box was gone and she was like, ‘oh I ate some of your cereal.’
B: I was about to say, that doesn’t sound unusual for you.
R: [angrily] But I hadn’t had any yet.
B: Oh, right. [laughing]
R: Can you please stop interrupting until the story is over? So my point is, she would only buy healthy food but then when there was something unhealthy that she wanted, she would eat the whole thing in a very short space of time. Like, one time I bought myself – okay, fine, three packets of Rolos cos they were on three for two…
B: [laughing]
R: And I put them in the fridge and she ate every single one!
B: Okay, that’s weird.
R: And another time, the Easter egg that I’d got from the neighbours for babysitting their kid disappeared, and she was like, I’m so sorry, I was cleaning the kitchen and the Easter egg fell out, shattered to pieces and I had to put it in the bin.
B: Here, what about…
R: I was like, that’s not true.
B: Let’s ask, now, for opinions.
R: Listener contributions?
B: Yes, because you and I have never agreed over our friend – cousin, our cousin, who lived with a gang of flatmates. She shared a house with a gang of people who constantly ate her food, do you remember this? They constantly ate her food. She would come home and her food was always decimated. So one day she decided she would bake muffins or what was it, fudge cake? Chocolate cake.
R: Yeah.
B: Into which she poured a tonne of laxatives. And she then left it there for them to eat, which they duly did and duly suffered the penalties, right? I was actually horrified but also I could understand why she did it but, in between… We’ve told that story to various people who’ve been absolutely horrified, right? I wasn’t that horrified, I was more like, I’m sure they survived, wasn’t very pleasant, right?
R: I mean… It kind of sounds like something you would do when you were in your very early 20s or teens. Not that I would do or you would do, but that you hear of being done and you know people do this shit. Now, as an adult, I’m like, okay she drugged them.
B: Oh, for god’s sake that’s not what I was talking about.
R: No, but like the same way, when I was in college, a friend of a friend of mine put a valium in a female friend’s drink, as a joke, and she was like, this is not okay.
B: Okay, but this is literally a laxative. This was the least sexual assaulty thing ever.
R: No, no, no. I didn’t mean, like, sexual assaulty. I just meant, you put laxative drugs in somebody’s food, that’s not okay.
B: But I mean, it’s not their food. It’s your food. And they ate it.
R: Oh, hmmm. Good point.
B: They stole it. That’s the whole point. But it reminds me also of Don, who in his house in New York, came home one day – and he’s not even… He doesn’t have a sweet tooth but he used to work until 3 or 4am in the middle of the night, and he came into the kitchen where there was a tray of delicious looking brownies, and he ate one, and it was, you know, pot brownies, and he does not like anything like that, and he then had a nightmare trip for the whole night.
R: [laughing] I mean, he’s no one to blame but himself!
B: He doesn’t blame anyone but himself! But it certainly taught him not to eat any random food again.
R: But I do kind of feel like if you’re going to put drugs in your food you should really put up a sign, just in case somebody comes and eats them.
B: Oh sorry I had to, er, deal with something on the table that needed to be poured into a glass. [laughing]
R: Whereas I’m still nursing my same tiny glass… My stomach isn’t feeling well.
B: You’re okay, you’re not the one Dad’s always accusing of being an alcoholic so you’re grand. Well, he hasn’t actually accused me for 10 years I think he’s just like…
R: He hasn’t accused you in a while!
B: He hasn’t, I think he’s…
R: No no no, I think it’s cos he’s now really into the wine.
B: Yeah, he drinks a lot of wine now. He’s probably like, oh, we’re both alcoholics.
R: He can’t accuse you, because when he’s here he’s glass for glass.
B: Well, on occasion he still says, ‘I won’t have any tonight pet’ and I look askance. But yeah. Anyway, I would love to hear what people think of that. What is the opinion? Is it disgraceful to leave deliberately laxative brownies that belong to you out on the counter knowing that somebody’s going to eat them? Or is it a lesson?
R: Yeah. I mean, yeah – when I first thought about it, I was like, oh God she fed them to her housemates. But she actually didn’t. She put them there as temptation.
B: She put them there because she knew they were going to eat them.
R: That was very Irish.
B: What was?
R: She put dem dere! I would also like to hear people’s disastrously bad housemate stories. Like, there was also the time that my housemate called me at work and basically told me… Because when this housemate moved in, I had said to them, look this is the rent, blah blah, and twice a year I hire a gardener. It was in the lease that I had to look after the garden. It costs, whatever, €120, and he comes and does it in the day and they were like fine, and then when it came to hiring the gardener this person was like, I can’t afford that, blah blah blah. So I was like, okay well, then we’re gonna have to do the garden. And we had this ridiculous back and forth, I think this was also by email, you know, if you want us to do the garden, we can totally take a day once a month and do that, and he was like, I don’t know why you think I should do it, and I was like, no, no, no we’ll both do it… Anyway things got to a very bad pass. He called me at work and was like, I don’t know who you think you are, you’re some kind of jumped-up bitch, all my friends think you’re ridiculous… really, really mean.
B: Just unnecessary.
R: Yeah, and I also knew all of their friends from living together, and I felt like they were basically saying, all my friends hate you, essentially, all my friends think you’re an uppity bitch. So I think after that I emailed them back and said, I don’t think we should live together any more. And they were like, fine, I’ll be out by the end of the week or whatever it was.
B: Grand.
R: Yeah. Anyway, so that was the worst devolution of housematedom that I ever experienced.
B: That was bad all right.
R: That was pretty bad.
B: I think that’s part of, as well, why do people feel it’s okay to be so mean to people that they are not… like how can these relationships deteriorate so rapidly?
R: But I think it’s kind of what you said, that argument about the window, that argument was not about a gardener, do you know what I mean? They were so angry and so … because they had been angry at me for months and weeks and I didn’t know. It was the culmination of.
B: I think it’s what you’re saying, right? You’re not a sibling so you can’t just nipple cripple them into submission, right? But I mean, I even said, while you were here, you know, I’m very quick to tell you exactly what I think. I’m very quick to say, you know Rosemary, I didn’t really like what you did yesterday. You don’t really say that to me, you know? Probably because nothing I do annoys you. But…
R: Jesus Christ.
B: The point being, though, I feel very free to give you my feedback. Probably too free. You don’t want every move analysed or assessed. It’s not really helpful, either. What am I supposed to do about a lot of this? A lot of this is just who I am or what I am. And I know I ate the last two scoops of Talenti…
R: Last six scoops, to be fair.
B: Well, yeah. But you know what I mean, it’s not really helpful. And it’s very much an older sibling behaviour, I think. Here’s what you could do differently! Because you don’t say that to other people. One is very careful about, even when you’re thinking, if I say to you, hey I want to tell somebody that I really found this offensive, how will I do it… Whereas with you, I’d just be like, here that really annoyed me.
R: Yeah, and housemates are almost like a work negotiation or feedback you’re giving a colleague because you know that you’re still going to have to interact with them. It’s not just a friend who you’ll have an argument with, not speak for a couple of weeks and then sort it out. Not even not speak, but be annoyed with each other for a couple of weeks. With a housemate, much like a colleague, you can’t just be like, I’m not going to see you for a week… because you live with them, or you work with them.
B: So, how many of your housemates who you weren’t friends with… So, leave aside the boyfriends or the people you were already friends with, when you moved in together. How many of those people are you still in touch with, or friends with?
R: None. Which does make me think that I must be a difficult person to live with as well.
B: I’d be interested to know, like, how many work people are people still in touch with? A couple, right. I have a couple of people that I’m still in touch with from work, but it also makes me think about… We can talk about this on a separate basis. We’re so worried about being liked. I mean, I am. I should speak about myself. I want to be liked, in a work environment. I want to get on with people. I want to have friends. And afterwards, you don’t stay in touch with… Even the ones you really like. You already have your friends group. And it’s the same with a housemate. You kind of just separate that.
R: Yeah.
B: I’m trying to think am I friends with, or in touch with any of them. No. Like, every now and then we would message on Facebook or… Whatever. But we’re not, like, still friends. I don’t know anything about them, you know? I did message yer woman, the one…
R: The friend of the police?
B: The friend of the police, exactly. I messaged her a while ago – I can’t remember what happened. We fell out at the very end. I think she got annoyed because I moved out. I cut the lease, my own lease, short, and she had to find somebody else. Why did I move out? Oh – she had a birthday party that she invited me to and I didn’t go, and, oh it was all – she was making me tell all these lies to the boyfriend.
R: Oh, I remember this.
B: The live-in boyfriend, she was like, don’t tell him that I’m… And I was like, I’m not getting involved with this. So when he came home going, ‘Where is she?’ I was just like, ‘She’s at her birthday party.’ Oh and she was there with some ex boyfriend from years ago. I said, she’s in a bar or whatever. I’m not getting involved. Don’t use me to tell your lies. But that reminds me of another girl that I lived with who was married – she and her husband, I shared an apartment with them, also in Milan, and he… so nice. She was so nice too. They were a lovely couple but she was a little bit more high strung, a bit more maybe unpredictable. He was super nice and so in love with her, and she started having a relationship with this other guy that she did yoga with, and she used to… I remember, on a Saturday morning, I would be in my room, not getting up extremely early. But I used to love to go to the second-hand markets and browse…
R: They were so good, as well.
B: …go to the vegetable markets. Oh yeah, so nice, down by the canals. And I remember one day I was just getting ready to go out, and she called me and said, ‘Hey, if my husband is looking for me, tell him that you and I are together.’ So I couldn’t leave my bedroom for the whole day! Like, Milan isn’t massive, it’s more like Dublin, you would entirely risk being seen at, like, the only… you know, everybody goes to Temple Bar, for example. You would entirely risk being bumped into. I was trapped in my bedroom and I was raging with her for that. But again, I don’t think I really said anything. I think I said to her afterwards, ‘Hey please don’t use me as an excuse.’ But I sat in my bedroom, all day, raging.
R: Did they end up staying together?
B: No, they broke up. She broke up with that guy but I think, like, it became – she just started seeing loads of different guys. He was so nice! So nice. She was so nice, too. They were… very young, it was a pity.
R: Just didn’t work out.
B: Yeah, didn’t work out.
R: So yeah, we would love to know people’s – well, what do you think about laxatives in the brownies? And also we’d love to hear your good but mostly bad housemate stories. I don’t really want to hear about the best friend you made, I want to hear about the passive aggressive email you got at work. From your housemate.
B: [laughing]
R: I just want to know that I’m not alone!
B: Or the laxative brownie that you ate.
R: Oh my god. Do you think they know there were laxatives in the brownies? Did she tell them afterwards?
B: No, I don’t think so.
R: You’ve totally landed her in it now. Ireland’s very small.
B: Nobody would suspect her. She’s very angelic.
R: That’s actually true. I mean, anybody listening to this is gonna be like, I know who that is, and it’s gonna be the wrong one.
B: [laughing] Exactly! Have you ever been kicked on the shin by a randomer brought home from a bar?
R: Okay, but don’t answer this if you’re the girl in school I kicked you in the shin.
B: Or, I was just about to say, by Rosemary.
R: Thank you so much for listening to Not Without My Sister. If you have two seconds and you have an iPhone please rate, review and subscribe on Apple Podcasts because it helps other people discover us and it’s proving an excellent ego boost for us both.
B: Mainly for me.
R: As we look through our reviews on the reg.
B: So we got some really nice feedback on the song that we sang in the episode about our mom.
R: The first singer was very good, apparently.
B: That was just one person! They actually said, you both were very nice.
R: Especially the first singer.
B: so that was me, obviously. But, if you have a sister and would like to sing a song – and if you don’t have a sister and you would just like to sing a song, send it into us and we will pick something thematic for the end of our next podcast. That would be really nice. We would love to hear your singing voices, sent into us.
R: Yeah. You can do that on Instagram. We’re @notwithoutmysister. Or you can send it to our individual Instagrams – I’m @rosemarymaccabe
B: And I’m @beatricemaccabe
R: We’re also online at notwithoutmysis.com where you’ll find show notes and transcriptions of each and every episode. Not Without My Sister is edited by Liam Geraghty. Sound design and mixing is by Don Kirkland. Original music by Don Kirkland also, and our original illustration is by Lindsay Neilson.

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2 Comments

Nunya says:

July 21, 2020 at 9:09 pm

It’s really upsetting how you both talk about that poor man who ate those profiteroles. For all you know he might have been on the verge of DYING and you just laugh and laugh!
Lorna Griffith says:

July 28, 2020 at 9:26 pm

I’m totally onboard with the laxatives in the brownies! Cheeky buggers eating all her food, serves them right!

Comments are closed.